Homeschool Reflections

My boys are quite the handful when it comes to school work. Actually they are quite "spirited" when it comes to most things....to be polite! No one ever prepared me for having two boys less than two years apart! Keeping them in line and on task takes most of the day.

My oldest, Josiah, is six and was diagnosed with sensory processing issues when he was not quite four years old. He seems to forget how to walk and not run; that beds are for sleeping, not jumping; the "boom" sound is just the trash man(he freaks out), and God gave us bottoms for sitting and not our knees. He is highly intelligent and loves to read, and is very proficient at it too! Math suits him well....double digit addition and telling time without help already! Then comes handwriting and grammar. The things that make our day, well, tense. If he makes one mistake doing handwriting or has trouble sounding out a word...look out! His pencil goes flying and all efforts to not slump over in the chair go out the window.

All this being said, I have learned that depsite his sensory and auditory filtering issues, he CAN learn, and retains things at an astonishing rate! I am proud of how he can repeat lessons learned weeks later! I believe the key to is functionality is doing his lessons in small spurts. Math, reading, break. Science, break. Spelling...two breaks! (One for Mommy after grammar.) Then at night we do our read-alouds/Bible with Daddy. During our "break" time we do Wii Fit, ride our bikes, or anything gross motor to get some of the wiggles out!

Then there's Jeremiah. He's a complex middle child at only four. He is small for his age, but his volume level will make up for that! He's the first one to "yell" that we forgot the blessing at mealtime, but also the one who sneaks down the hall at night to sleep with Mommy. I have seen glimpses of sensory issues(hence the volume issues and he hates to be dirty), but nothing as severe as Josiah's. I know he's technically preschool age, but he thinks he's an equal at times with his brother, so we do kindergarten work with him at times too. He's more calculated and less impulsive, and quite a "thinker" when he wants to have a heart-to-heart chat.

I think the thing that I'm most proud of are the things we've all learned in our first year and a half of homeschool. 1) Homeschool is more about figuring out life lessons and gaining academics along the way. 2) Spiritual and emotional growth are just as integral as academic growth. 3) Lessons can be done at night or on weekends if the daytime becomes too hectic. 4) Each child learns differently...especially children with sensory issues. 5) To remember that even though they're young now....to see them as how I/God would want them to be at 24 and 26, and train them accordingly.

Whew! Tiring yet rewarding! Then there's the five month old princess....

New Year, New Journey

Greetings from 2011! Sorry these posts are more infrequent than I would like. Things change in no time! I guess I should start with December 2010..what a month. It was like any other month until Christmas. I was hoping and praying again that THIS would be our month for our rainbow baby! I had kinda given up on December when the test came back negative on December 22nd. I had already shifted my focus to 2011 and what the new year could bring.
   On Christmas Eve morning, I awoke feeling horrible. I was sick and couldnt get to my doctor, so I was searching for an urgent care. Josiah was sick as well. I thought maybe I'd test ONE MORE TIME, seeing as how AF was due that day. I was getting ready to go buy some serious cold meds and totally NOT be sick on Christmas Day! OR SO I THOUGHT! I took the test @ 3am when I awoke to help Jeremiah who had woken up crying. I got a FAINT second line! I was totally taken aback! I thought maybe b/c I was sick my eyes were playing tricks on me! I actually woke up Todd to ask him to read the test for me! He said there was a faint second line, and after 5 mins he went back to sleep! He said he had had a feeling about December.
   After going to urgent care and telling the doctor I was newly pregnant, I found out that Josiah and I both had strep throat! What a way to spend Christmas. After a few days of antibiotic and Tylenol, I felt better.
   Then there was Christmas Day...which went well...other than me being dog tired and feeling so bad I slept for an hour after breakfast! I didnt have THAT many symptoms until the week of New Years...which we spent @ Nana's house with Gidget, Robert, and Kaleigh. Todd of course had told them that weekend. We had told my mom the weekend of Christmas just b/c she was GOING to see me @ church every week and She would know before long anyway!
   My first OB visit came on January 12th..with Dr. Flanagan. I went in 2 days prior to my scheduled visit due to spotting I had after straining(constipation is the new word of the week). I had to take the boys with me..NOT my idea of a good visit. But the visit itself went fine. She did a confirmation ultrasound to take a quick peek at the baby and make sure she was there! I was SO surprised when she did the exam and was able to SEE and HEAR the baby's heartbeat!!!! I cried on the table! I could feel my face getting flushed as she measured the heartrate! She was very encouraging and told me about the drastically decreased risk of miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat, etc. When she left for me to redress, I sat in the chair and felt awash of relief and joy, mixed with the most sincere gratitude. I prayed to thank GOD right then and there in that chair.
  I kept my original Jan. 14th appt.and saw Dr. Mong...who gave me an EDD if September 1st. I saw August 31st! But its a difference of 1 day!(oh, the baby was measuring 6w 1d which is in the normal realm when we did the ultrasound on Wednesday prior).
   These last few months have been FAR from easy!!! There are days when DOUBT tries to rear its ugly head! I have taken dry erase markers and written scripture on the bathroom mirrors so that I HAVE to see the WORD everyday! Its God's promises for the baby in Psalms 139:13-14 and I Samuel 1:27-28!!!! I was able to share our testimony 2 Sundays ago in front of the congregation at River of Life...the very place where Dempsey prayed those faithful words one Sunday in November! I thought I'd have trouble sharing..but this baby is such an absolute ANSWER to prayer that I couldnt help but SHARE!!!! I thank GOD for her each time I see my belly growing! I know that I need to be patient, but WHO can when GOD has seen to bless us with such a miracle????
    I feel compelled to share one thing that has truly touched me during this who TTC journey. Back in December...there was one day at Chili's when we were eating dinner and Jeremiah asked me TWICE, "Mommy, you got a baby in your belly?" I told him then I didnt know. But I think he did. He's also told me at times, "Mommy, the baby's ok." He kisses my belly everyday and talks to the baby. The other day he was whispering on my lap and when I asked what he was doing, he said, "talking to the baby". He has asked all kinds of questions from how the baby eats to today when he told me the baby is sleeping in your tummy.
   Josiah has taken a small interest...he kisses my belly and says I Love You to the baby...but not as much as Jeremiah has.
   Today I'm hoping to kick this virus that has me whispering! Bad sore throat day! My next OB visit is on February 21st, but I probably wont get another ultrasound then. :( I'll have to wait until 16 or 20 weeks I guess. Here's hoping summer comes SOON! Thanks Daddy(Jesus) again for entrusting me with beautiful children and one more to add to my fold. I can never say enough to express my love and gratitude.

Looking to the Future

Well...sorry for the haitus from posting here. Its been a long, busy month. Every month since September I have sat here in the TWW(two week wait for those who arent familiar with "conception" lingo). Every month I have prayed that THIS is our month for our rainbow baby to make herself known. I feel like NOW I need to take a different approach to our request. I feel now it should be less of a request and more of a demand on HEAVEN for the things I have been promised. I believe GOD says DEMAND of ME what you need. He aslready knows my petition! In church last Sunday, brother Dempsey had the all the couples trying for a baby to stand and had the husbands LAY HANDS on their wifes abdomen and petition Heaven for their child. I tried my hardest not to cry but stood there with tears streaming as he prayed. He spoke to EVERY hinderance and called it naught! I truly believe now I need to stand and PROFESS my DAUGHTER to come. I now need to TELL SATAN where to get off! He cant ROB me of another child...and should have NEVER been ALLOWED my last baby! It surely is a walk of daily FAITH to say..."I am pregnant with a beautiful daughter and she's 100% healthy and will have a normal healthy pregnancy!" I swallow hard just trying to see the outcome of such prayers!
    As for the boys...well....they're boys. They are precious to me. They ANNOY the crap out of me everyday....but I still walk the hall at least once a night to check on them. And I still kiss their faces at night when they are asleep. I wish they would fight LESS and LOVE more. I think they have heard my petition for just that...the other day when Todd was roughhousing with them Jeremiah yells,"It is better to be PATIENT than to FIGHT!!!!" I laughed to myself. At least not all my words go unheeded! I think they get bored of being inside...I need to take them out more...they whine about being outside though! They always wanna go in!
   Well....Chiristmas is on its way, and oh the shopping! We've got about HALF of my LARGE family done..and NONE of Todd's family. But I hope to make a dent in that statistic next week while in PA...they have outlet malls! Enough said! I'm truly hoping that this year's PA trip will be BETTER than last year's....which was disastrous. The kids fought each other, got hurt, cried for Daddy, threw up, etc! We ended up driving home Thanksgiving Day to ease my peace of mind and before Jeremiah totally ruined Tonya's carpet with puke!
  I havent figured out how to post pictures yet...when I do, I'll post the boys newest set of pics. They turned out really well in spite of the fiasco at the studio of changing outfits for each new set! And of course, my mom fussing about how noisy they were, and all the trouble they were getting into, and were we done yet...etc. I know she meant well, but THAT in and of itself was just as stressing as the kids misbeahaving!
  Well....until next time..the dryer has stopped...my floors need mopped...and the kids are yelling to be FED--again! Not that breakfast wasnt just three hours ago!

Picture Perfect

SO today we're meeting my sister to take pictures at her work. She works at a photography studio and has a free session. I'm taking the boys, Todd has to work. As cute as the idea of family pics, and pics of the boys are....I cant help but remember that there will never be pics of the baby we lost. I didnt even get an ultrasound picture to keep. I know enough not to dwell on these things...but its times like this that bring those things to mind. My sister said I should take a picture with the boys, and as I scoured my closet for just the right outfit I saw the maternity clothes in the back of the closet. I SHOULD be wearing THOSE clothes for my picture today...to showcase that baby bump; but I'm not. So...even the daily tasks are hard at times. I'll post the pictures when I figure out how. Until then, be blessed.

What Has Come Before

   So I have decided that maybe if I write down my days, it will ease the frustration caused by them. I've learned recently that introspection can bring healing...that and the balance of grace and faith. These three months have been some of the hardest to walk out in my day-to-day life.
   We lost our now angel baby on July 27th, 2010. The timing of the miscarriage alone was a blow to me. The day AFTER our anniversary. An anniversary that should have been spent going to dinner and enjoying my family. Instead it was spent on the couch on semi-bedrest. The drive to the doctor Monday morning spent pleading with GOD to save my baby; quoting very scirpture I knew. Once at the doctor trying to stand fast in FAITH after hearing that it could go either way..50/50 chance of losing my baby. The doctor took blood and told me to come back Wednesday to have a 2nd set of tests done. The bedrest was helping slow the spotting, so she said do what works.  I called Todd at work to tell him about the plan for Wednesday's testing. Well...Wednesday never came.
    Tuesday brought BLEEDING not spotting. So in I go again....to the doctor. I remember the distinct difference in the feel of the ultrasound room that day...so far removed from the joy and anticipation that we had FELT in that very room just 4 days prior at our first ultrasound visit. We even had the same doctor..whom I didnt care for.  The room had more of a feeling of despair and FAITH gasping to hang on. I almost couldnt function...it felt surreal. I thought I was seeing myself  in a dream...a horrible dream I wouldnt wish on anyone. The ultrasound came, and the words of the doctor DID bring a glimmer of hope..a small ledge to STAND in FAITH....her words.."Well, you're still pregnant. You havent miscarried yet." I didnt really know how to process those words. YET??? Did she see something bad? What was she NOT saying? As I pressed her for more info, she did say the yolk sac looked LARGE for that gestation and she wasnt sure she saw a heartbeat. I couldnt even cry at that point. The shock was too much. I remember her telling us(Todd and I) to keep my appt in the a.m. for bloodwork and she'd call me ASAP with the results. She also felt the need to detail miscarriage for me and what might happen. Including determining whether I could pass the baby naturally or would need a D&C....those details are fuzzy at best.
   After passing hours on the couch with the gracious help of my sister Olivia to keep the boys contained....the cramping began. I began to bleed HEAVIER and then just like that, I passed my baby in the bathroom.  I called Todd who had gone back to work. As I sat on the bed crying....I could barely make out the words when he answered the phone. All I could say was "It's over." He was trying to get me to explain...which made the agony worse...he didnt know exactly  WHAT I meant . I had to fight sobs to say that I had passed the baby. Then he said he was coming home soon. The cramping was actually WORSE after I passed the baby it turned into CONTRACTION-like pain! I was having back labor!  I felt angry at my stupid body for feeling like it was in labor! I called the dr who wanted me to come to the ER and she would come down from L& D and check on me.
   So...fastforward agonizing hours and three IV sticks later...came the only shining moment in my time suspended nightmare. I had to have an ultrasound to comfirm the baby had passed BEFORE I could have any pain meds....go figure. As they wheeled the bed into the ultrasound room I nearly cried. There, standing before me, as MY ultrasound tech was a HUGE pregnant woman. Great! Just what I needed to see right then!!! A reminder of what I wouldnt have in 7 months. It felt like God was laughing at me at that moment.
    Needless to say, I was NOT in the mood to talk to her! She said something about being gentle b/c I was in pain. I told her not to bother....I'd had 3 internal ultrasounds in two days. I didnt care anymore. She said something about knowing how bad it was, which caught my attention. I was going to say something nasty...like "SURE YOU DO!!!" But she went on to explain that she had a miscarriage the month prior to her current pregnancy. She went through the same thing I had....and she had to have a D&C...which according to her ultrasound I wouldnt need. She had been where I was. Not only had she been there, but she had survived, and was going to have a baby in three weeks! In some twisted way, she gave me hope while in the MIDST of all the crazy sorrow.
   I remember seeing the doctor as a was leaving the ER at 1a.m. and she turned and said..."Hey, Mrs. Craft..I'm sorry." I remember her face was sweet but her words seemed so hollow to me. I just shook my head and kept trudging toward the car with Todd's arm around me. I felt almost guilty that the pain had dulled and I was going home...NOT pregnant..from the hospital where I had planned to deliver the next spring.
    I went home and slept on the couch. I slept like a dead man. I dont even remember Todd leaving for work the next a.m. I woke up before the kids and padded down the hall to check on them--still sleeping. I walked back to the living room and saw the light streaming in through the blinds and I lost it. I sat on the couch and sobbed. I had cried so much in the past three days my stomach hurt.
   I was angry at God, angry at myself, angry at the Devil. I felt utterly alone at that moment. No one in my family had ever had a miscarriage. My mom couldnt understand....I resented her and all of my family for not being able to understand my pain. My sister tried later that week to cheer me up by joking that "my oven wasnt broken....I could bake more cookies". They just didnt understand. Todd's sister had had a miscarriage, but she didnt say too much. I know her pain now. After her miscarriage, she made her husband have a vasectomy. She I guess couldnt deal with the pain of a miscarriage possibilty again.
   In the days and weeks that followed I learned that life is a day-to-day journey. I now have to take things a day at a time. I think one of the things that brought me bittersweet joy was the faces of my boys everyday. I would look at their sweet faces and listen to them laugh and squeal when Todd played with them and it almost brought me to tears. This was something the baby I lost would never know. I would never see that smiling face or hear that laugh. It still breaks my heart. I know my baby is on Jesus' lap..but I feel I should have my baby here. I've also learned just how truly precious my children really are. I cant take a day with them for granted.
   After some great deal of prayer and more sobbing, I feel now that God had not forsaken me.  I'm still in the healing process. I went to visit a church in Raleigh with my mom, and there was a prophetic word spoken to me that I was SO VERY precious to Jesus. I was sitting in His lap and He was showering me with hugs and kisses. God only knows what those words mean to a mother who has lost her child and feels alone. I dont feel neglected as I did anymore. I know He goes before me wherever I go, and He doesnt even want me to "dash my foot upon a stone". He will never leave me nor forsake me. He says to cast my cares upon Him and He will sustain me. He formed me in my innermost being. He knows my every thought before I speak it. I now know to speak HIS word. There are so many lessons that rise from the ashes of adversity. Today, I do not forget the pain of the past...the pain of being broken....but I know I was destined for more and the Healer cares for me and my future. He will help heal my wounds. Thank you GOD for What Has Come Before..and What Is Yet To Come.