Well...sorry for the haitus from posting here. Its been a long, busy month. Every month since September I have sat here in the TWW(two week wait for those who arent familiar with "conception" lingo). Every month I have prayed that THIS is our month for our rainbow baby to make herself known. I feel like NOW I need to take a different approach to our request. I feel now it should be less of a request and more of a demand on HEAVEN for the things I have been promised. I believe GOD says DEMAND of ME what you need. He aslready knows my petition! In church last Sunday, brother Dempsey had the all the couples trying for a baby to stand and had the husbands LAY HANDS on their wifes abdomen and petition Heaven for their child. I tried my hardest not to cry but stood there with tears streaming as he prayed. He spoke to EVERY hinderance and called it naught! I truly believe now I need to stand and PROFESS my DAUGHTER to come. I now need to TELL SATAN where to get off! He cant ROB me of another child...and should have NEVER been ALLOWED my last baby! It surely is a walk of daily FAITH to say..."I am pregnant with a beautiful daughter and she's 100% healthy and will have a normal healthy pregnancy!" I swallow hard just trying to see the outcome of such prayers!
As for the boys...well....they're boys. They are precious to me. They ANNOY the crap out of me everyday....but I still walk the hall at least once a night to check on them. And I still kiss their faces at night when they are asleep. I wish they would fight LESS and LOVE more. I think they have heard my petition for just that...the other day when Todd was roughhousing with them Jeremiah yells,"It is better to be PATIENT than to FIGHT!!!!" I laughed to myself. At least not all my words go unheeded! I think they get bored of being inside...I need to take them out more...they whine about being outside though! They always wanna go in!
Well....Chiristmas is on its way, and oh the shopping! We've got about HALF of my LARGE family done..and NONE of Todd's family. But I hope to make a dent in that statistic next week while in PA...they have outlet malls! Enough said! I'm truly hoping that this year's PA trip will be BETTER than last year's....which was disastrous. The kids fought each other, got hurt, cried for Daddy, threw up, etc! We ended up driving home Thanksgiving Day to ease my peace of mind and before Jeremiah totally ruined Tonya's carpet with puke!
I havent figured out how to post pictures yet...when I do, I'll post the boys newest set of pics. They turned out really well in spite of the fiasco at the studio of changing outfits for each new set! And of course, my mom fussing about how noisy they were, and all the trouble they were getting into, and were we done yet...etc. I know she meant well, but THAT in and of itself was just as stressing as the kids misbeahaving!
Well....until next time..the dryer has stopped...my floors need mopped...and the kids are yelling to be FED--again! Not that breakfast wasnt just three hours ago!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Picture Perfect
SO today we're meeting my sister to take pictures at her work. She works at a photography studio and has a free session. I'm taking the boys, Todd has to work. As cute as the idea of family pics, and pics of the boys are....I cant help but remember that there will never be pics of the baby we lost. I didnt even get an ultrasound picture to keep. I know enough not to dwell on these things...but its times like this that bring those things to mind. My sister said I should take a picture with the boys, and as I scoured my closet for just the right outfit I saw the maternity clothes in the back of the closet. I SHOULD be wearing THOSE clothes for my picture today...to showcase that baby bump; but I'm not. So...even the daily tasks are hard at times. I'll post the pictures when I figure out how. Until then, be blessed.
What Has Come Before
So I have decided that maybe if I write down my days, it will ease the frustration caused by them. I've learned recently that introspection can bring healing...that and the balance of grace and faith. These three months have been some of the hardest to walk out in my day-to-day life.
We lost our now angel baby on July 27th, 2010. The timing of the miscarriage alone was a blow to me. The day AFTER our anniversary. An anniversary that should have been spent going to dinner and enjoying my family. Instead it was spent on the couch on semi-bedrest. The drive to the doctor Monday morning spent pleading with GOD to save my baby; quoting very scirpture I knew. Once at the doctor trying to stand fast in FAITH after hearing that it could go either way..50/50 chance of losing my baby. The doctor took blood and told me to come back Wednesday to have a 2nd set of tests done. The bedrest was helping slow the spotting, so she said do what works. I called Todd at work to tell him about the plan for Wednesday's testing. Well...Wednesday never came.
Tuesday brought BLEEDING not spotting. So in I go again....to the doctor. I remember the distinct difference in the feel of the ultrasound room that day...so far removed from the joy and anticipation that we had FELT in that very room just 4 days prior at our first ultrasound visit. We even had the same doctor..whom I didnt care for. The room had more of a feeling of despair and FAITH gasping to hang on. I almost couldnt function...it felt surreal. I thought I was seeing myself in a dream...a horrible dream I wouldnt wish on anyone. The ultrasound came, and the words of the doctor DID bring a glimmer of hope..a small ledge to STAND in FAITH....her words.."Well, you're still pregnant. You havent miscarried yet." I didnt really know how to process those words. YET??? Did she see something bad? What was she NOT saying? As I pressed her for more info, she did say the yolk sac looked LARGE for that gestation and she wasnt sure she saw a heartbeat. I couldnt even cry at that point. The shock was too much. I remember her telling us(Todd and I) to keep my appt in the a.m. for bloodwork and she'd call me ASAP with the results. She also felt the need to detail miscarriage for me and what might happen. Including determining whether I could pass the baby naturally or would need a D&C....those details are fuzzy at best.
After passing hours on the couch with the gracious help of my sister Olivia to keep the boys contained....the cramping began. I began to bleed HEAVIER and then just like that, I passed my baby in the bathroom. I called Todd who had gone back to work. As I sat on the bed crying....I could barely make out the words when he answered the phone. All I could say was "It's over." He was trying to get me to explain...which made the agony worse...he didnt know exactly WHAT I meant . I had to fight sobs to say that I had passed the baby. Then he said he was coming home soon. The cramping was actually WORSE after I passed the baby it turned into CONTRACTION-like pain! I was having back labor! I felt angry at my stupid body for feeling like it was in labor! I called the dr who wanted me to come to the ER and she would come down from L& D and check on me.
So...fastforward agonizing hours and three IV sticks later...came the only shining moment in my time suspended nightmare. I had to have an ultrasound to comfirm the baby had passed BEFORE I could have any pain meds....go figure. As they wheeled the bed into the ultrasound room I nearly cried. There, standing before me, as MY ultrasound tech was a HUGE pregnant woman. Great! Just what I needed to see right then!!! A reminder of what I wouldnt have in 7 months. It felt like God was laughing at me at that moment.
Needless to say, I was NOT in the mood to talk to her! She said something about being gentle b/c I was in pain. I told her not to bother....I'd had 3 internal ultrasounds in two days. I didnt care anymore. She said something about knowing how bad it was, which caught my attention. I was going to say something nasty...like "SURE YOU DO!!!" But she went on to explain that she had a miscarriage the month prior to her current pregnancy. She went through the same thing I had....and she had to have a D&C...which according to her ultrasound I wouldnt need. She had been where I was. Not only had she been there, but she had survived, and was going to have a baby in three weeks! In some twisted way, she gave me hope while in the MIDST of all the crazy sorrow.
I remember seeing the doctor as a was leaving the ER at 1a.m. and she turned and said..."Hey, Mrs. Craft..I'm sorry." I remember her face was sweet but her words seemed so hollow to me. I just shook my head and kept trudging toward the car with Todd's arm around me. I felt almost guilty that the pain had dulled and I was going home...NOT pregnant..from the hospital where I had planned to deliver the next spring.
I went home and slept on the couch. I slept like a dead man. I dont even remember Todd leaving for work the next a.m. I woke up before the kids and padded down the hall to check on them--still sleeping. I walked back to the living room and saw the light streaming in through the blinds and I lost it. I sat on the couch and sobbed. I had cried so much in the past three days my stomach hurt.
I was angry at God, angry at myself, angry at the Devil. I felt utterly alone at that moment. No one in my family had ever had a miscarriage. My mom couldnt understand....I resented her and all of my family for not being able to understand my pain. My sister tried later that week to cheer me up by joking that "my oven wasnt broken....I could bake more cookies". They just didnt understand. Todd's sister had had a miscarriage, but she didnt say too much. I know her pain now. After her miscarriage, she made her husband have a vasectomy. She I guess couldnt deal with the pain of a miscarriage possibilty again.
In the days and weeks that followed I learned that life is a day-to-day journey. I now have to take things a day at a time. I think one of the things that brought me bittersweet joy was the faces of my boys everyday. I would look at their sweet faces and listen to them laugh and squeal when Todd played with them and it almost brought me to tears. This was something the baby I lost would never know. I would never see that smiling face or hear that laugh. It still breaks my heart. I know my baby is on Jesus' lap..but I feel I should have my baby here. I've also learned just how truly precious my children really are. I cant take a day with them for granted.
After some great deal of prayer and more sobbing, I feel now that God had not forsaken me. I'm still in the healing process. I went to visit a church in Raleigh with my mom, and there was a prophetic word spoken to me that I was SO VERY precious to Jesus. I was sitting in His lap and He was showering me with hugs and kisses. God only knows what those words mean to a mother who has lost her child and feels alone. I dont feel neglected as I did anymore. I know He goes before me wherever I go, and He doesnt even want me to "dash my foot upon a stone". He will never leave me nor forsake me. He says to cast my cares upon Him and He will sustain me. He formed me in my innermost being. He knows my every thought before I speak it. I now know to speak HIS word. There are so many lessons that rise from the ashes of adversity. Today, I do not forget the pain of the past...the pain of being broken....but I know I was destined for more and the Healer cares for me and my future. He will help heal my wounds. Thank you GOD for What Has Come Before..and What Is Yet To Come.
We lost our now angel baby on July 27th, 2010. The timing of the miscarriage alone was a blow to me. The day AFTER our anniversary. An anniversary that should have been spent going to dinner and enjoying my family. Instead it was spent on the couch on semi-bedrest. The drive to the doctor Monday morning spent pleading with GOD to save my baby; quoting very scirpture I knew. Once at the doctor trying to stand fast in FAITH after hearing that it could go either way..50/50 chance of losing my baby. The doctor took blood and told me to come back Wednesday to have a 2nd set of tests done. The bedrest was helping slow the spotting, so she said do what works. I called Todd at work to tell him about the plan for Wednesday's testing. Well...Wednesday never came.
Tuesday brought BLEEDING not spotting. So in I go again....to the doctor. I remember the distinct difference in the feel of the ultrasound room that day...so far removed from the joy and anticipation that we had FELT in that very room just 4 days prior at our first ultrasound visit. We even had the same doctor..whom I didnt care for. The room had more of a feeling of despair and FAITH gasping to hang on. I almost couldnt function...it felt surreal. I thought I was seeing myself in a dream...a horrible dream I wouldnt wish on anyone. The ultrasound came, and the words of the doctor DID bring a glimmer of hope..a small ledge to STAND in FAITH....her words.."Well, you're still pregnant. You havent miscarried yet." I didnt really know how to process those words. YET??? Did she see something bad? What was she NOT saying? As I pressed her for more info, she did say the yolk sac looked LARGE for that gestation and she wasnt sure she saw a heartbeat. I couldnt even cry at that point. The shock was too much. I remember her telling us(Todd and I) to keep my appt in the a.m. for bloodwork and she'd call me ASAP with the results. She also felt the need to detail miscarriage for me and what might happen. Including determining whether I could pass the baby naturally or would need a D&C....those details are fuzzy at best.
After passing hours on the couch with the gracious help of my sister Olivia to keep the boys contained....the cramping began. I began to bleed HEAVIER and then just like that, I passed my baby in the bathroom. I called Todd who had gone back to work. As I sat on the bed crying....I could barely make out the words when he answered the phone. All I could say was "It's over." He was trying to get me to explain...which made the agony worse...he didnt know exactly WHAT I meant . I had to fight sobs to say that I had passed the baby. Then he said he was coming home soon. The cramping was actually WORSE after I passed the baby it turned into CONTRACTION-like pain! I was having back labor! I felt angry at my stupid body for feeling like it was in labor! I called the dr who wanted me to come to the ER and she would come down from L& D and check on me.
So...fastforward agonizing hours and three IV sticks later...came the only shining moment in my time suspended nightmare. I had to have an ultrasound to comfirm the baby had passed BEFORE I could have any pain meds....go figure. As they wheeled the bed into the ultrasound room I nearly cried. There, standing before me, as MY ultrasound tech was a HUGE pregnant woman. Great! Just what I needed to see right then!!! A reminder of what I wouldnt have in 7 months. It felt like God was laughing at me at that moment.
Needless to say, I was NOT in the mood to talk to her! She said something about being gentle b/c I was in pain. I told her not to bother....I'd had 3 internal ultrasounds in two days. I didnt care anymore. She said something about knowing how bad it was, which caught my attention. I was going to say something nasty...like "SURE YOU DO!!!" But she went on to explain that she had a miscarriage the month prior to her current pregnancy. She went through the same thing I had....and she had to have a D&C...which according to her ultrasound I wouldnt need. She had been where I was. Not only had she been there, but she had survived, and was going to have a baby in three weeks! In some twisted way, she gave me hope while in the MIDST of all the crazy sorrow.
I remember seeing the doctor as a was leaving the ER at 1a.m. and she turned and said..."Hey, Mrs. Craft..I'm sorry." I remember her face was sweet but her words seemed so hollow to me. I just shook my head and kept trudging toward the car with Todd's arm around me. I felt almost guilty that the pain had dulled and I was going home...NOT pregnant..from the hospital where I had planned to deliver the next spring.
I went home and slept on the couch. I slept like a dead man. I dont even remember Todd leaving for work the next a.m. I woke up before the kids and padded down the hall to check on them--still sleeping. I walked back to the living room and saw the light streaming in through the blinds and I lost it. I sat on the couch and sobbed. I had cried so much in the past three days my stomach hurt.
I was angry at God, angry at myself, angry at the Devil. I felt utterly alone at that moment. No one in my family had ever had a miscarriage. My mom couldnt understand....I resented her and all of my family for not being able to understand my pain. My sister tried later that week to cheer me up by joking that "my oven wasnt broken....I could bake more cookies". They just didnt understand. Todd's sister had had a miscarriage, but she didnt say too much. I know her pain now. After her miscarriage, she made her husband have a vasectomy. She I guess couldnt deal with the pain of a miscarriage possibilty again.
In the days and weeks that followed I learned that life is a day-to-day journey. I now have to take things a day at a time. I think one of the things that brought me bittersweet joy was the faces of my boys everyday. I would look at their sweet faces and listen to them laugh and squeal when Todd played with them and it almost brought me to tears. This was something the baby I lost would never know. I would never see that smiling face or hear that laugh. It still breaks my heart. I know my baby is on Jesus' lap..but I feel I should have my baby here. I've also learned just how truly precious my children really are. I cant take a day with them for granted.
After some great deal of prayer and more sobbing, I feel now that God had not forsaken me. I'm still in the healing process. I went to visit a church in Raleigh with my mom, and there was a prophetic word spoken to me that I was SO VERY precious to Jesus. I was sitting in His lap and He was showering me with hugs and kisses. God only knows what those words mean to a mother who has lost her child and feels alone. I dont feel neglected as I did anymore. I know He goes before me wherever I go, and He doesnt even want me to "dash my foot upon a stone". He will never leave me nor forsake me. He says to cast my cares upon Him and He will sustain me. He formed me in my innermost being. He knows my every thought before I speak it. I now know to speak HIS word. There are so many lessons that rise from the ashes of adversity. Today, I do not forget the pain of the past...the pain of being broken....but I know I was destined for more and the Healer cares for me and my future. He will help heal my wounds. Thank you GOD for What Has Come Before..and What Is Yet To Come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)