So I have decided that maybe if I write down my days, it will ease the frustration caused by them. I've learned recently that introspection can bring healing...that and the balance of grace and faith. These three months have been some of the hardest to walk out in my day-to-day life.
We lost our now angel baby on July 27th, 2010. The timing of the miscarriage alone was a blow to me. The day AFTER our anniversary. An anniversary that should have been spent going to dinner and enjoying my family. Instead it was spent on the couch on semi-bedrest. The drive to the doctor Monday morning spent pleading with GOD to save my baby; quoting very scirpture I knew. Once at the doctor trying to stand fast in FAITH after hearing that it could go either way..50/50 chance of losing my baby. The doctor took blood and told me to come back Wednesday to have a 2nd set of tests done. The bedrest was helping slow the spotting, so she said do what works. I called Todd at work to tell him about the plan for Wednesday's testing. Well...Wednesday never came.
Tuesday brought BLEEDING not spotting. So in I go again....to the doctor. I remember the distinct difference in the feel of the ultrasound room that day...so far removed from the joy and anticipation that we had FELT in that very room just 4 days prior at our first ultrasound visit. We even had the same doctor..whom I didnt care for. The room had more of a feeling of despair and FAITH gasping to hang on. I almost couldnt function...it felt surreal. I thought I was seeing myself in a dream...a horrible dream I wouldnt wish on anyone. The ultrasound came, and the words of the doctor DID bring a glimmer of hope..a small ledge to STAND in FAITH....her words.."Well, you're still pregnant. You havent miscarried yet." I didnt really know how to process those words. YET??? Did she see something bad? What was she NOT saying? As I pressed her for more info, she did say the yolk sac looked LARGE for that gestation and she wasnt sure she saw a heartbeat. I couldnt even cry at that point. The shock was too much. I remember her telling us(Todd and I) to keep my appt in the a.m. for bloodwork and she'd call me ASAP with the results. She also felt the need to detail miscarriage for me and what might happen. Including determining whether I could pass the baby naturally or would need a D&C....those details are fuzzy at best.
After passing hours on the couch with the gracious help of my sister Olivia to keep the boys contained....the cramping began. I began to bleed HEAVIER and then just like that, I passed my baby in the bathroom. I called Todd who had gone back to work. As I sat on the bed crying....I could barely make out the words when he answered the phone. All I could say was "It's over." He was trying to get me to explain...which made the agony worse...he didnt know exactly WHAT I meant . I had to fight sobs to say that I had passed the baby. Then he said he was coming home soon. The cramping was actually WORSE after I passed the baby it turned into CONTRACTION-like pain! I was having back labor! I felt angry at my stupid body for feeling like it was in labor! I called the dr who wanted me to come to the ER and she would come down from L& D and check on me.
So...fastforward agonizing hours and three IV sticks later...came the only shining moment in my time suspended nightmare. I had to have an ultrasound to comfirm the baby had passed BEFORE I could have any pain meds....go figure. As they wheeled the bed into the ultrasound room I nearly cried. There, standing before me, as MY ultrasound tech was a HUGE pregnant woman. Great! Just what I needed to see right then!!! A reminder of what I wouldnt have in 7 months. It felt like God was laughing at me at that moment.
Needless to say, I was NOT in the mood to talk to her! She said something about being gentle b/c I was in pain. I told her not to bother....I'd had 3 internal ultrasounds in two days. I didnt care anymore. She said something about knowing how bad it was, which caught my attention. I was going to say something nasty...like "SURE YOU DO!!!" But she went on to explain that she had a miscarriage the month prior to her current pregnancy. She went through the same thing I had....and she had to have a D&C...which according to her ultrasound I wouldnt need. She had been where I was. Not only had she been there, but she had survived, and was going to have a baby in three weeks! In some twisted way, she gave me hope while in the MIDST of all the crazy sorrow.
I remember seeing the doctor as a was leaving the ER at 1a.m. and she turned and said..."Hey, Mrs. Craft..I'm sorry." I remember her face was sweet but her words seemed so hollow to me. I just shook my head and kept trudging toward the car with Todd's arm around me. I felt almost guilty that the pain had dulled and I was going home...NOT pregnant..from the hospital where I had planned to deliver the next spring.
I went home and slept on the couch. I slept like a dead man. I dont even remember Todd leaving for work the next a.m. I woke up before the kids and padded down the hall to check on them--still sleeping. I walked back to the living room and saw the light streaming in through the blinds and I lost it. I sat on the couch and sobbed. I had cried so much in the past three days my stomach hurt.
I was angry at God, angry at myself, angry at the Devil. I felt utterly alone at that moment. No one in my family had ever had a miscarriage. My mom couldnt understand....I resented her and all of my family for not being able to understand my pain. My sister tried later that week to cheer me up by joking that "my oven wasnt broken....I could bake more cookies". They just didnt understand. Todd's sister had had a miscarriage, but she didnt say too much. I know her pain now. After her miscarriage, she made her husband have a vasectomy. She I guess couldnt deal with the pain of a miscarriage possibilty again.
In the days and weeks that followed I learned that life is a day-to-day journey. I now have to take things a day at a time. I think one of the things that brought me bittersweet joy was the faces of my boys everyday. I would look at their sweet faces and listen to them laugh and squeal when Todd played with them and it almost brought me to tears. This was something the baby I lost would never know. I would never see that smiling face or hear that laugh. It still breaks my heart. I know my baby is on Jesus' lap..but I feel I should have my baby here. I've also learned just how truly precious my children really are. I cant take a day with them for granted.
After some great deal of prayer and more sobbing, I feel now that God had not forsaken me. I'm still in the healing process. I went to visit a church in Raleigh with my mom, and there was a prophetic word spoken to me that I was SO VERY precious to Jesus. I was sitting in His lap and He was showering me with hugs and kisses. God only knows what those words mean to a mother who has lost her child and feels alone. I dont feel neglected as I did anymore. I know He goes before me wherever I go, and He doesnt even want me to "dash my foot upon a stone". He will never leave me nor forsake me. He says to cast my cares upon Him and He will sustain me. He formed me in my innermost being. He knows my every thought before I speak it. I now know to speak HIS word. There are so many lessons that rise from the ashes of adversity. Today, I do not forget the pain of the past...the pain of being broken....but I know I was destined for more and the Healer cares for me and my future. He will help heal my wounds. Thank you GOD for What Has Come Before..and What Is Yet To Come.
